For once I beleive that maybe we still have that chance...Waiting for you has been a long nights dream...Beleiving in you has been a challenge...You are so strong in your hopes of being where I know you aren't supposed to be....Your heart was open and accepting of me...You loved me and for that moment in time my world was as perfect as anyone has right to have...Your eyes saw deep into my being and saw the man that I am...I saw into you and saw the love that radiated from your heart...The energy that we shared was the most amazing thing I have ever felt....Then to be denied by your sense of duty and honor...Notice I didn't say your sense of love...To deny your heart because of a promise made under the assumption that this person is who he said he was is insane...Staying with him shows me your sense of obligation but denying us shows me your lack of beleif in true love...I need you as much as you need me...Please look into your heart again and see me...Know that there is noone else that can truely take your place in my heart...And also know that every day that I wait is another day of pain and sorrow...Forever is a long time and forever is as long as I will wait for you....
it makes me wonder why when we meet someone who interests us that we start a building project of sorts...we do not take the time in the beguinning to get to know everything that we can..we instead get these lofty ideas of who this person is and why we are attracted to them...i have met someone now and at first iwas doing this and came to the realization that i want to know the real her..but now it means that this is going to take ALOT longer than first anticipated...well hell...so now this one is making do things and jump through hoops that at any time in my life i would have been drawn away from her thinking more games than i wish to play...i don't know what that means...wanting toplay these games these hard to get games...i am a bloody pirate for fux sake..so why does this one intrigue me so..i could list what i like about her here but i don't have the time...all i can say is that she fits...really easily fits...i don't know what that means either...WTF is going on inside my scull...bahhh more later....
I WOULD HOPE THAT WHERE EVER YOU ARE RIGHT NOW YOU SEE ME...I PRAY THAT MY LIFE THROUGH YOUR EYES HAS NOT BEEN WROUGHT WITH DISAPPOINTMENT...I ONLY WISH THAT WHEN YOU SPEAK OF ME TO ALL THE OTHERS WHO ALSO HAVE PASSED YOU SPEAK WITH PRIDE AND SATISFACTION...I HOPE YOU CONTINUE TO GUIDE ME...ALL MY LIFE I HAVE WONDERED IF I HAVE DONE WHAT YOU WOULD HAVE...I WONDER IF I AM HALF THE MAN YOU WERE...I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS FOR YOU..ARE THE TEARS I CRY FOR YOU MISPLACED...WHY AM I REDUCED TO THIS MESS OF A BOY...MY STRENGTH MY CHARACTER AND EVERYTHING THAT EVERYONE KNOWS OF ME ARE GONE...AND I CANT FIND WHAT WAS ONCE MY SOUL...MY MUSIC HAS CHANGED...GOD I JUST NEEDED YOU SO MUCH...I HEAR PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THEIR FAMILIES AND I JUST WONDER IF THEY COULD JUST FEEL WHAT I AM FEELING RIGHT NOW...THEY WOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THEM IN THAT WAY AGAIN...I THINK I WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER PERSON IF I WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU...EVEN FOR A SHORT TIME WOULD BE BETTER THAN WAITING MY ENTIRE LIFE TO FINALLY SEE YOU AGAIN...SO MANY QUESTIONS AM I DOING IT RIGHT WITH MY KIDS...THE ADVICE THAT DADS PASS ON TO THEIR KIDS I HAVE TO WING IT AND I KNOW THAT SOMETIMES YOU DID TO BUT I HAVE NOTHING TO GO BY...AND ITS NOT GETTING ANY EASIER...BUT I WILL CLOSE WITH THIS...THE PAIN OF YOUR LOSS HAS BEEN WITH ME FOREVER AND IT HAS SHAPED ME INTO WHO I AM TODAY...SO IN A WAY YOU HAVE BEEN THERE REMINDING ME TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR MY KIDS..SO PEACE BE WITH YOU FATHER FOR YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY HEART AND ON MY MIND...I LOVE YOU
So those of you who know me know that this time of year sux for me...I can't figure out why as I get older I still can't deal with this time of year...Now I know that having a parent and a child die within a weeks date of each other makes it harder but I mean come on...OK yes he was my father but I was so young I don't remember him...So then what the hell...And yes he was my son but ok there is no getting over my son ever...Everyone around me is in the celebratory mood and they can't wait 'till whatever...I can't get on board with that...All I want to do is dive head first into a very deep bottle....But because I have other children and many more responsibilities now all I can do is sit and I don't even know what I am doing sitting and.......eating oatmeal thats it....drinkong coffee...praying for it to all just go away....And then I think well maybe I should just go away...just stop being period...but then I see my kids and I can't....they need me and I need them...And then I look at my "friends" I need to find a cave...on a hill......in the middle of another country...where I can find solice and peace.....Mmmmmm slury of oatmeal and brown sugar and milk.......COFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know that everyone who reads this must think that I am completely insane...But how many times have you really found the person for whom your heart truely belongs...I mean really look back at your life how ever long its been and look at it... How many times in your life can you say yep thats the one....And how many times has it been someone that could return the feeling to you...So yes I am insane for falling in love with what I can not have but it was as close as I have ever truly been to being happy on this god forsakin planet...So if you happen to be with the ONE don't foul it up...I don't wish this pain and suffering on anyone...
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